The third trimester

Looking back everything is hazed. I can remember everything that happened in my life but feel a bit like the pregnancy was happening outside of me. I've heard before that love is a choice and that have me great comfort while pregnant after the stillbirth because I knew that just because I didn't "feel" I still loved this baby just as much as Sebastian.

I was in the middle of a move during the weeks that I had lost Sebastian, so I didn't have as much time to dwell on fearful thoughts. As a matter of fact, it seemed as if my mind wouldn't even go down that path...

After we got settled in our new place and I was past the dreaded 30-32 week mark, the emotions started to surface. I was very emotionally fragile and terrified. And I felt guilty. I felt guilty if I started getting excited about this baby, like it was demeaning to Sebastian or my love for him; but then I felt guilty if I didn't feel excited. It was a difficult time and I felt bad regardless, even though I knew it was crazy!

I remember one day playing the piano near week 36-37, a song I composed for Sebastian not long after he died, and I had to stop half way through for the sobs that came. I knew that he already understood, but I said it aloud anyway...I told Sebastian that I loved him so much, and that having another baby would never take away the love I had for him.

As I approached my due date my mom said something that put into words exactly what I was afraid of... She said, "Amy, when they hand you your little baby after delivery, it's ok if you cry for joy over her and grieve Sebastian at the same time..."

And that's what I did.

It's been a while...

So much has happened over these last several months and I think it will take several posts to catch up. But in a nutshell, I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl in October, thank The Lord! I plan to talk about how I dealt with the third trimester, labor and bonding with this new baby, and the one year anniversary of Sebastian's birth, one post at a time.

For now I'll say that not a day goes by that I don't miss him. My heart will forever remember the blessing of love that he was, and that his legacy will continue through the love which poured forth from his birth.

6 Months

Yesterday was 6 months from the birth of Sebastian...and I felt the baby kick for the first time. I felt like it was a message from Sebastian that he is watching out for his little brother/sister.

Thank you, Sebastian. Mommy loves you!

Mothers Day

This mothers day, my mind is not just reflecting on my mother and the beautiful mothers I know, but I am also reminded of those who wish they were a mother. Single women, women trying to conceive, women who never could have kids or didn't have the chance, mothers who have children that died...my thoughts were for you today. Mothers day is meant to be a day of joy and celebration, but can truly be a source of pain, I know.

Being a mother I can tell you that I have my reward already for all the sacrifices I make in just one smile, one new thing learned or imitated by my toddler. Yes, being a mom is hard work. But we have such joy and fullness that I feel we forget the emptiness and void that others feel. Losing my Sebastian has made me more aware of what others are suffering, too. Empty arms. Ears dying to hear the squeal of THEIR baby. Eyes wishing to see their baby's eyes light up and arms reach for them.

Oh women who wish they could be mothers, today my heart is with you.

Emotions

You know, not a day goes by that I don't think about and miss Sebastian. I shared with another mom today who went through a stillbirth as well, that the pain never goes away but we become accustom to it in our lives.

I have been crabby and emotional lately, and I know it's a number of things...but a big reason is that my heart still hurts. I think about him a lot and I'm scared. I'm scared because I'm pregnant, and I'm afraid. I'm afraid of my heart breaking and bleeding again, but I know it's never regrettable to love. I am having such a hard time, and I'm so afraid of losing this little one as well. And then I feel this huge guilt. Guilt over not letting myself feel close to this baby, and on the other end feeling guilt when i do. I know I could never forget Sebastian, replace him, or stop loving him as much, it's just this huge tangled mess of emotions that are even wackier due to hormones from the pregnancy. I want to be positive and just be happy, but in the pit of my stomach I feel like I'm waiting for bad news... O Jesus, free me from that which enslaves me and keeps me from loving as I should. In loving I will become free.

A Visit to the Grave

The other day the weather was beautiful, so I took Toby on a long walk downtown. On our walk back to the car, we stopped at the cemetery to visit Sebastian's grave. I left Toby in the stroller the whole time, as we were able to walk right up to the grave without having to "drive' the stroller over any graves.

I cried a little and prayed by his headstone, then as I went to leave, Toby whimpered a bit. I stopped and asked him what the matter was, then I proceeded to leave again. Toby protested again, two more times - he clearly didn't want to leave.

Now the crazy thing was, there was nothing to entertain him and for a little toddler there was nothing to make him want to stay.

I felt like it was a love note from Sebastian reminding me of how he will always be a part of our lives and in our hearts...

...and that we are in his...

Footprints

It's been a while since I posted on this blog... It's not that I have forgotten, but it's been hard to write how I've been feeling.

Today I saw this on a message board I belong to for grieving mothers. It's hard not to cry when I read it, but it's so beautiful I had to share. Especially since I have felt Sebastian with me every day...


Footprints
"These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part."
~Unknown