The Downside of Being "Ahead"

I've always felt that being prepared is important, and love to get things checked off my list. That being said, I already had the baptismal date for Sebastian months before he was born... It was scheduled for this coming Sunday, February 19.

I feel like the date is looming over me and that it is crying out from the calendar to mock me and my assumption that Sebastian would be here.

I know it will take time, but there is part of me that wonders if these reminders will ever end, or if I will forever be reminded of my losing him.

But, today I want to smile in spite of my pain. I know Sebastian would want me to smile, to not dwell on the hurt but seek joy in what I have and what God has given me. To be present for the son that I DO have here.

I also know that, while I'm regretting planning ahead today, Sebastian would tell me to give myself a break and know that everything is ok. He would tell me not to stop being myself and that it's ok to plan ahead and be organized...

He'd tell me that it was ok that I didn't know he wouldn't be here.

So, while it hurts, I will continue to plan ahead. Right now I'm already planning ahead for that day I enter the pearly gates and will hold my sons for a long time...

For a VERY long time.

Generosity

"Let me not measure the future by what I think I can do for you, but rather by what Your power can do with my generosity..."

All I can say is: wow. I read this while praying this morning and I felt like God was highlighting this for me and asking me to really hand over my fertility and my future. I should stop worrying and being anxious about being pregnant again and the potential fears and pain it could bring, and just trust.

All I really need to do is to Love, and be generous in my loving. God will take care of the rest.

Empty arms

This morning at Mass I really felt an emptiness... It seemed like there were a thousand pregnant moms or moms with little babies surrounding me. As Toby is becoming more and more independent, he was standing by himself and for the most part didn't want to be held.

It's beautiful to see him grow and mature, but a day like today confirmed to me a truth about motherhood that I've often reflection upon. That is, a mothers greatest joy is also a great sorrow - to see her child grow and gain independence.

Today I just wanted to hold Toby and cuddle him as I want to fill the void I feel. But I couldn't. My arms ached and longed for someone to hold and nurture.

But for now I must content myself to be in the arms of Our Lord. I can be as restless with God as Toby can be with me. As much as I want to hold, right now is my time to be held by my Father.

More questions...

This morning I went to daily Mass and a very sweet lady came up to me and commented on the cuteness of Toby. Then, in broken English she said "You have one more?"

"Yes, we'd like to have more."

"No, you have ONE MORE?" she insisted.

Then I realized, after shaking my head "no" and her bewildered look, that she had remembered me come to Mass here when I was pregnant and must have thought the newborn was at home.

It made me feel empty. Both my arms and my heart.

I always feel so guilty after something like this happens.

Oh my boys, Tony and Sebastian. I love you.

What ifs

I was due with Sebastian a little over a week ago, so it is very hard for me not to think about the what ifs... What would his life have been like if he was born? What if I was holding him now? What if he hadn't died, what would things be like? What would he have grown up to be?.....

There is so much I could wonder, but I have to stop myself, because those "what ifs" are not reality. From the beginning of time, when God thought of Sebastian, He knew that Sebastian would be called home early. He'd skip the suffering of this world and would basically get a Monopoly Card to heaven. God never designed a "full life" for him as we consider a "full life" to be. His life was full, in so short a time. It was all he needed to experience God, His Love, and be ready for Heaven. The rest of us have work to do to get there!

Contrary to some, I don't have any bitterness over this thought that God called him home early. Quite the opposite. It helps me to know that this was God's plan, and in some crazy way, it gives me peace. Maybe because it affirms to me that I didn't do anything wrong and I couldn't have helped his dying even if I tried. Even the doctors have affirmed the later part, because all the tests and autopsy came back normal.

A woman takes her fertility so personally, and when a baby dies inside her, she really feels like it is her fault. We are entrusted with these babies and they really begin as a part of us. Deep in our psychology, women know this. That is why it is so hard for us when something like this happens, because in the depths of our being we wonder if this was something we could have prevented, or that our bodies were not perfect enough vessels for them. We wonder if it was in the subconscious of our bodies that our babies life was rejected and ceased living because of us.

Having faith has been such a blessing for me in this time. It takes the bitterness away and assures me of a deeper purpose and a beauty that life without faith could never give. For me, faith is not a crutch. It's a way of life that I wouldn't ever want to live without. Give me the choice of bitterness without a God or beauty with God...

I choose God.

My Vocation

When I miscarried Tony in 2009 at 8 weeks pregnant, I had a beautiful thought that has given me strength through this more recent process. It was reflecting on my vocation, my being a mother. The vocation of a mother is to nurture and teach her children the ways of God so that, God willing, they will choose Christ and be with Him forever in Eternity. Whether you believe in God or not, IF there is an afterlife, you want them to be good people and make it there.

So, in spite of all my suffering, I've done my job with Tony and Sebastian. I was here to be a part of God's amazing plan of creation, I loved and nurtured him, and now he's with God. I have no worries about where he is or the path he will choose. He is in the safest, most wonderful place.

But what makes it so difficult is that death was not a part of God's original plan. When He created Adam and Eve there was no "death". That's why we fight it with all our being. Literally.

In addition, no one wants to bury their children, regardless of how old or young they are at the time of death. It goes against every grain in our being.

But I have great peace knowing that, while I'm suffering here, Sebastian is in eternal bliss hanging out with the awesome people in heaven. I've done my job. This is my vocation.

My Goodbye Prayer

I wrote this on November 30, 2011 (2 days after finding out that Sebastian had died):

Flesh of my flesh,
bone from my bones...
Baby C, I miss you already.
Smile down on me from heaven,
and ask Our Lord for the strength I need
to say goodbye.