Sunday, April 29, 2012

Emotions

You know, not a day goes by that I don't think about and miss Sebastian. I shared with another mom today who went through a stillbirth as well, that the pain never goes away but we become accustom to it in our lives.

I have been crabby and emotional lately, and I know it's a number of things...but a big reason is that my heart still hurts. I think about him a lot and I'm scared. I'm scared because I'm pregnant, and I'm afraid. I'm afraid of my heart breaking and bleeding again, but I know it's never regrettable to love. I am having such a hard time, and I'm so afraid of losing this little one as well. And then I feel this huge guilt. Guilt over not letting myself feel close to this baby, and on the other end feeling guilt when i do. I know I could never forget Sebastian, replace him, or stop loving him as much, it's just this huge tangled mess of emotions that are even wackier due to hormones from the pregnancy. I want to be positive and just be happy, but in the pit of my stomach I feel like I'm waiting for bad news... O Jesus, free me from that which enslaves me and keeps me from loving as I should. In loving I will become free.

No comments:

Post a Comment