Sunday, April 29, 2012

Emotions

You know, not a day goes by that I don't think about and miss Sebastian. I shared with another mom today who went through a stillbirth as well, that the pain never goes away but we become accustom to it in our lives.

I have been crabby and emotional lately, and I know it's a number of things...but a big reason is that my heart still hurts. I think about him a lot and I'm scared. I'm scared because I'm pregnant, and I'm afraid. I'm afraid of my heart breaking and bleeding again, but I know it's never regrettable to love. I am having such a hard time, and I'm so afraid of losing this little one as well. And then I feel this huge guilt. Guilt over not letting myself feel close to this baby, and on the other end feeling guilt when i do. I know I could never forget Sebastian, replace him, or stop loving him as much, it's just this huge tangled mess of emotions that are even wackier due to hormones from the pregnancy. I want to be positive and just be happy, but in the pit of my stomach I feel like I'm waiting for bad news... O Jesus, free me from that which enslaves me and keeps me from loving as I should. In loving I will become free.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

A Visit to the Grave

The other day the weather was beautiful, so I took Toby on a long walk downtown. On our walk back to the car, we stopped at the cemetery to visit Sebastian's grave. I left Toby in the stroller the whole time, as we were able to walk right up to the grave without having to "drive' the stroller over any graves.

I cried a little and prayed by his headstone, then as I went to leave, Toby whimpered a bit. I stopped and asked him what the matter was, then I proceeded to leave again. Toby protested again, two more times - he clearly didn't want to leave.

Now the crazy thing was, there was nothing to entertain him and for a little toddler there was nothing to make him want to stay.

I felt like it was a love note from Sebastian reminding me of how he will always be a part of our lives and in our hearts...

...and that we are in his...

Footprints

It's been a while since I posted on this blog... It's not that I have forgotten, but it's been hard to write how I've been feeling.

Today I saw this on a message board I belong to for grieving mothers. It's hard not to cry when I read it, but it's so beautiful I had to share. Especially since I have felt Sebastian with me every day...


Footprints
"These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part."
~Unknown