Looking back everything is hazed. I can remember everything that happened in my life but feel a bit like the pregnancy was happening outside of me. I've heard before that love is a choice and that have me great comfort while pregnant after the stillbirth because I knew that just because I didn't "feel" I still loved this baby just as much as Sebastian.
I was in the middle of a move during the weeks that I had lost Sebastian, so I didn't have as much time to dwell on fearful thoughts. As a matter of fact, it seemed as if my mind wouldn't even go down that path...
After we got settled in our new place and I was past the dreaded 30-32 week mark, the emotions started to surface. I was very emotionally fragile and terrified. And I felt guilty. I felt guilty if I started getting excited about this baby, like it was demeaning to Sebastian or my love for him; but then I felt guilty if I didn't feel excited. It was a difficult time and I felt bad regardless, even though I knew it was crazy!
I remember one day playing the piano near week 36-37, a song I composed for Sebastian not long after he died, and I had to stop half way through for the sobs that came. I knew that he already understood, but I said it aloud anyway...I told Sebastian that I loved him so much, and that having another baby would never take away the love I had for him.
As I approached my due date my mom said something that put into words exactly what I was afraid of... She said, "Amy, when they hand you your little baby after delivery, it's ok if you cry for joy over her and grieve Sebastian at the same time..."
And that's what I did.