I've always felt that being prepared is important, and love to get things checked off my list. That being said, I already had the baptismal date for Sebastian months before he was born... It was scheduled for this coming Sunday, February 19.
I feel like the date is looming over me and that it is crying out from the calendar to mock me and my assumption that Sebastian would be here.
I know it will take time, but there is part of me that wonders if these reminders will ever end, or if I will forever be reminded of my losing him.
But, today I want to smile in spite of my pain. I know Sebastian would want me to smile, to not dwell on the hurt but seek joy in what I have and what God has given me. To be present for the son that I DO have here.
I also know that, while I'm regretting planning ahead today, Sebastian would tell me to give myself a break and know that everything is ok. He would tell me not to stop being myself and that it's ok to plan ahead and be organized...
He'd tell me that it was ok that I didn't know he wouldn't be here.
So, while it hurts, I will continue to plan ahead. Right now I'm already planning ahead for that day I enter the pearly gates and will hold my sons for a long time...
For a VERY long time.
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