What ifs

I was due with Sebastian a little over a week ago, so it is very hard for me not to think about the what ifs... What would his life have been like if he was born? What if I was holding him now? What if he hadn't died, what would things be like? What would he have grown up to be?.....

There is so much I could wonder, but I have to stop myself, because those "what ifs" are not reality. From the beginning of time, when God thought of Sebastian, He knew that Sebastian would be called home early. He'd skip the suffering of this world and would basically get a Monopoly Card to heaven. God never designed a "full life" for him as we consider a "full life" to be. His life was full, in so short a time. It was all he needed to experience God, His Love, and be ready for Heaven. The rest of us have work to do to get there!

Contrary to some, I don't have any bitterness over this thought that God called him home early. Quite the opposite. It helps me to know that this was God's plan, and in some crazy way, it gives me peace. Maybe because it affirms to me that I didn't do anything wrong and I couldn't have helped his dying even if I tried. Even the doctors have affirmed the later part, because all the tests and autopsy came back normal.

A woman takes her fertility so personally, and when a baby dies inside her, she really feels like it is her fault. We are entrusted with these babies and they really begin as a part of us. Deep in our psychology, women know this. That is why it is so hard for us when something like this happens, because in the depths of our being we wonder if this was something we could have prevented, or that our bodies were not perfect enough vessels for them. We wonder if it was in the subconscious of our bodies that our babies life was rejected and ceased living because of us.

Having faith has been such a blessing for me in this time. It takes the bitterness away and assures me of a deeper purpose and a beauty that life without faith could never give. For me, faith is not a crutch. It's a way of life that I wouldn't ever want to live without. Give me the choice of bitterness without a God or beauty with God...

I choose God.